To all the "Nice Guys"

When a woman says "I just want to meet a nice guy."
She's saying something incredibly vague
and, it seems, she's saying something you don't want to listen to.
When I say "I want to meet a nice guy."
I'm not saying I want to meet someone who will buy me things.
I'm not saying I want someone to silently listen to me talk.
The last thing in the world I want is chivalry.
I can hold my own damn door.
I can carry my own shit
and I can pay my own tab.
I don't need to be treated like a child.

Chivalry's only use is to hide the fact that you have no idea how to treat someone you want to fuck.
Someone you don't know how to see as anything but a hole.
And maybe that's why you're so offended to be these people's friends.
Maybe that's why every time you get put in the "Friend-zone"
you see it as an insult instead of a compliment.
A person who you want to be in a relationship with so badly
but a relationship you have no interest in without fucking?

And god forbid I do anything to get my physical needs met.
If I go out, take home some guy with an average mind but a great body.
If I fuck him, practice safe sex, and then don't call him back,
You say "why not me, fuck me?" you whine like a baby whose first word was "want."
Why not?
Maybe I didn't want to involve anyone I knew.
Maybe I'm too busy with my career, my art, my education, and my life to have a relationship.
Maybe you're ugly,
Maybe I've heard from other people you suck in bed,
But maybe I actually value our friendship and I don't view it as some obstacle blocking you from getting into my bed.  Maybe our friendship is meaningful to me.
More likely, you're just not the "Nice Guy" you're so sure you are.

One last thing,
you know after I broke up, we hung out and I told you how much of an asshole my ex was?
That's just a thing people do!
He could have been the nicest fucking person in the world, it doesn't matter.
Amicable break-ups are rare.  Nobody is perfect.
It's easy and almost necessary to bitch after ending a relationship.
Bloody Fucking Hell, girls do this, guys do this, everyone does this.
I can talk for hours about the flaws of Shakespeare but he's still my favorite playwright.
It's pretty simple and I fear for the poor women who have male friends that think about nothing but fucking them if only they could just get rid of that pesky friendship.
Considering yourself a victim of a great injustice just because a friend of yours won't fuck you?
Pathetic,
the last thing you are is a nice guy.