I know how it feels.
I am told by my family that I could regain their affections
if only I would just
go back in the closet.
If only I would just go back to pretending to be a man.
They would help me economically, when I needed it.
They tell me a job is only a white male away.
If only I would go back in the closet,
they would love to see me then.
Talking to me would not make my mother cry.
I could come home for Christmas in celebration instead of rejection.
If I only went back into the closet, they would wish me a happy birthday
instead of not.
I know what it's like to have my faith tested.
I know how it feels
and I am reminded of The Temptation of St. Anthony by Salvador Dali.
I look at all the promise of going back on who I am
and I remember.
I remember driving my car through a telephone pole, thinking "this time, it's all over."
I remember being thrown off a porch with my pants down by people my father considers my friends.
and I know how empty and fragile the promise of returning to the closet is.
I still feel very small.
I feel ragged.
I feel strung out
and I my right hand extended forward protecting me from everything that comes.
If this was all I had though, I'd be destroyed.
But I feel my left hand
steadfast upon the rock.
I remember how much my partner loves me.
how firm and unwavering her acceptance of me has been.
I remember my friends, not the ones who hurt me or made me embrace hate
but my current friends, the ones who go out of their way to help me.
When I remember these things
I know what it's like to have faith tested
and I know what it is to believe.
This is kinda cold, and I totally understand if it's not an acceptable solution for you. Have you tried to reach a kind of compromise? I don't know anything about the attitude you've taken towards them, but if it's like your attitude towards other people then you're pretty forwardly a transwoman, and it's something that you bring up/make clear to people as soon as you feel a connection beyond trivial. That kinda becomes a request for people to address it.
ReplyDeleteThe compromise I'm suggesting is to not talk about it with your family, or rather to wait for them to start the topic. Don't change your personal life, but let them interact with you in the ways that your gender doesn't matter for. You're a transwoman, but that's so little of who you are because there are so many transwomen and none of them are you. It's not at all why you're so special to those who know you.
Your family is several people, and probably they have different reactions to this stuff. When you emphasize your gender, it gives the controlling, homophobic ones more power to hold the other ones away from you. When you relate to the other ones in other ways, your gender is still there, and they might get time to slowly learn about what it means.
Have you tried this?
You misinterpret. I've told them they don't have to talk with me about my gender at all. I've told them that I just want their affection. They've decided it isn't enough for them. They aren't refusing to talk to me about my gender, they're refusing to talk to me.
ReplyDeleteThis post is so honest and raw, I cried while I was reading. You really helped me feel the struggle you go through every day having your family, who should accept you UNCONDITIONALLY, deny such a crucial part of your humanity.
ReplyDeleteI just want to remind you, again and again, that you are a beautiful, strong, and talented woman, and I love you, and I SEE you. We've come so far together, and we've both got a bright, shining future ahead of us, as WOMEN, as strong, beautiful, and talented WOMEN.
What they are doing to you is BULLCRAP. But it can't ever change who you are. Nothing can ever take that away from you!
Your loving friend always,
Elizabeth
p.s. @themissinglint: I almost didn't want to respond, because I don't want debate, but...Being "Forwardly" a transwoman is a "request for people to address it?" I'm sorry, but I just think that is hogwash. Everyone is 'forwardly' who they are, unless they are ashamed, or a liar, or a shameful liar. But if a guy says, "I'm a man," that is not a polite invitation for someone to say, "So...how's the penis?" If a gay woman says, "I'm a lesbian," that is not a tentative request for someone to ask, "You sure? But have you ever f*cked a dude?".
Likewise, if I say, "I'm trans," (Because I'm f*cking PROUD of myself, because my body is NOT shameful, because if I don't ever bring it up it will cover me in a choking fog of shame and guilt and self-oppression and KILL me) it is in no way an opening for criticism, rejection and abuse. Or...anything at all.