ASPERGERS=SCARRYYYY!!!!

As I was discussing my blog with my partner earlier today,
she raised a rather good point.
Primarily that,
I had started this blog as a way of expressing my experience as someone with aspergers.
I wanted to write about how I find that to be the decidedly more alienating part of my life.
How that  being a highly functioning autistic person is far more disruptive than being trans.
up to this point I have not posted a single post about my experience with aspergers...
So to break the ice I'm making this post.
Nothing eloquent
Nothing beautiful
Overly analytical.
This post won't be read as something that is enticing.
I do not want neurotypical people to be able to read this and think "I know exactly what you mean"
Furthermore, I do not want neurotypical people to read this and relate.
I do not want neurotypical people to understand.
(And if you do not know what neurotypical means, Google it for fucks sake.)
But as I digress I lie.

The thing I wanted to talk about was the horrifying lack of intuition/empathy/something/etre or esse/thingy
that I spend almost every waking moment trying to understand
As if by consuming information I could somehow regrow an organ that was never there.
I live every day in fear of offending anyone.
To be sure, I take painstaking measures to preempt these terrible moments.
I absorb peoples lives, any scrap of memory they'll offer up,
as if it could regrow a heart to feel beating in synch
maybe arms to hold them closely
Or eyes and ears that could finally see and hear them
to make a mind that would truly know you.

I want to escape an analytical and egalitarian mind
in exchange for one rooted in the subjective values that actually matter.
I ask for quantitative values
when I desire the understanding of qualities.

No matter what I do,
No matter how genuine my fabrication of the neurotypical mind becomes
I will always live and breathe in my autistic one.

I will find beauty in words and numbers
before I find them in people.

I still find them in people though
and they often turn out to be
something more beautiful
than understanding.