Maturation

I can always tell when I'm moving forward in my life
because the way I experience things changes.
Often, I become more grounded and confident.
Sometimes, more uncertain and understanding.
Always, a complexity is added
a depth and a current previously unfelt.

I have been taking hormones for a bit over two years.
When I first began I was so terrified of needles that it might take me an hour to complete the shot.
I would sit terrified of disease, accidents, and pain.
Did I disinfect everything properly?
Would I get it in far enough or would it all just seep out?
Would I remember to check and make sure I hadn't hit a blood vessel?
As many fears would rush in and fill my mind
I would start a little chant,
"Boobs, Hips,
and Pretty Lips."

I also noticed at the beginning, that after every injection
a cautious calm crept over my body.
A certain familiar pain left my muscles.
When I first began the treatment
this would last for a week.

As time passed I became less afraid of needles,
I am still afraid but I now know
I can do it without mistakes.
I am still cautious
but I have shed much of the anxiety and I can do the injection in minutes.

The calming in my body has grown.
It has reached outwards in time and now lasts the entire interval between shots.
It has reached out into my mind and calmed my thoughts.
It has quelled a manic energy that used to live in my mind and body.
A manic force that used to pull me away from my studies
and push me away from my friends.

Injecting myself with hormones is no longer the a wall of fear followed by a rush of elation.
It has become a ritual, a moment of remembrance.
I acknowledge the old manic energy,
the terrifying instability that kept me from so many things
and I embrace the new calm.
I remember how hard it was to sleep
and I feel how much easier it is to get up.
I look back at the past,
I look at the present,
and, for a moment, I wonder what the future will bring.