Stress

You must find ways to deal with it.
Stress must be relieved
and you need a whole bag of tricks if you're going to deal with the stress you'll face.
But eventually you will develop coping mechanisms.
Remember them.
While doing one over and over may be unsustainable,
Crop rotation may be the perfect solution.
Diversify,
find ones that people consider to be good things
find ones that people consider to be bad things.
I know there are things that I do, that if I did consistently I'd be considered a craven
but layering those undesirable coping mechanisms, drinking, drugs, not sleeping, watching a whole season of something, and everything else bad for progress,
with things that are positive can help
and turn you from a crazy person whose acting crazy (someone people cannot empathize with)
into someone who is just trying to get by with hard work, (someone people can empathize with)
the positive coping mechanisms being things like writing, cleaning, burying yourself in your work, keeping meticulous account or hygiene or anything that you can do methodically.
Often when stressed I wish I had a garden to weed.  I don't know where that lies
but probably in a third catagory
neutral
listen to music, read a classic novel, see a play by shakespeare...
things that slowly increase your ability to be a human but doen't have any direct influence in your life.
Don't be afraid to be a crazy person
Don't be afraid to loose track of reality
It'll come back everything will come back into view
You need to believe so.
It will keep you from doing something incredibly regretful.
At this moment, in writing this, I don't feel I have a clear grip on reality.
I don't know what it is I am.
I don't know why I do things.
I spoke with someone I didn't trust and they told me what I should do
and it worked
I spoke with two people I trust and they didn't give me anything...
but they've already given me so much
I feel I can hardly ask them for more.
They've done there best in the capacity they've served but
I needed to be better.

When this person I didn't trust was faced with my absolute sincerity they told me exactly what I needed to do.

I developed a new coping mechanism and a greater understanding.

I came one step closer to (neurotypical) personhood.

What do I mean by that?
well, I'm trying to construct a full blown neurotypical personality within myself... a thing that I can call a human that generates empathy.
(because honestly, the primary goal for me, I'm trying to be a human that generates an exchange of empathy.)
And it seems one of the core problems of autism is empathy.
But I have to build from things I do understand into things I do not.
A good example of this is relationships.
I have had to create within myself the desire to be in a complete whole comforting supportive caressing kind loving living relationship.
For me, it had to be built out of my desire to feel someone's chest pressed against mine.
This began with just the desire for human contact in any way, shape, or form
and I spent high school  having nervous breakdowns
first, whenever someone touched me
second, whenever someone I wanted touched me
third, whenever someone I loved indirectly touched me
and finally, whenever I could make someone feel something when I touched them...
Of course in high school touching someone and making them feel loved could have been as simple as making someone feel a comforting platonic love.
In college this meant having sex.
And this became the second great defeat for myself.
Because I had become so desperate to just be touched comfortingly
and so good at touching
that skill subverted goals.
I ended up giving more than I could and taking more than I knew what to do with.
I found people and the ability to take empathy from others
but I still do not know what to do with it.
I have written a play which exists to steal the soul of the audience and do nothing but keep it.
and that is cruelty
I have become a cruel person (the cruel person I've always had the potential to become).
To people who have become methodical at human interaction I say, you are tyrant sociopath.
be careful
through empathy comes trust
and it's a trust you may not deserve.
and if it's a trust you don't deserve know,
with absolute certainty,
that you cannot give it back.
That the true crime of regifting is regiting emotions
and when someone asks you
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
you do them no favors by saying
I DON"T KNOW.

you simply pass the plate.
and people live and die
without your participation.


Finally,
I want to say...
I want to support you
in anything you do.
I don't want to tell you
only to help you.
I want to support you
To help you move towards something you see as desirable.
But you don't know what that is
and neither do I.
I still don't know what to do.
I'm sorry
but please wait
I'll come up with something.

Right, I need to post more.

The beautiful abstraction,
The suggestion of perfection.

Children are Crazy but that's OK.

Maybe somebody should tell them.